Wednesday, September 12, 2012

"Don't Cry Over Spilt Milk"

The last few months have been really good in so many ways.  There have been challenging days, but for the most part we have been able to grow as a family and enjoy some quality time together without a lot of hospital stays or appointments.

This fall, I have taken on the role of homeschool mom.  Not because it is something I ever thought of wanting to do, mostly because it's been something God has been asking me to do for several years and I have kept saying no.  This past spring, Jesse and I decided it was time to make the decision one way or another....either take on the challenge, or put it to rest and support our kids through their public education!  After much prayer, counsel and thought, I realized that since Asher was born I have had to overcome a lot of fears, vows and selfishness and really, when it comes down to it, we have had to teach him a lot of what he knows now - gross motor, fine motor, and otherwise.  I decided that if I could walk through the challenges of raising a special needs son, then God would surely have to give me the grace and strength to walk through the days of homeschooling two healthy intelligent children. 

We are blessed to have Joel and Calla who want to learn - are desperate to learn and at every opportunity are digging deeper for facts, truth and general knowledge about just about anything that come their way. 

That is all just some background to the story.  This blog isn't about homeschooling... it is more about about me tonight.  Right now, where I am at and who I am.

Lately I feel like I have been posting status updates and pictures on facebook that paint rosy little snapshots of our lives.  And I have not embellished or lied about any of it.  I don't post something unless I truly feel it, did it or see it etc.  But those moments, those small glimpses into our lives don't tell the complete story do they.  For any of us really, not just for me and my family. 

So, at the risk of putting myself out there for all to see, I feel full disclosure is required.  Not so you know every gritty detail of my life.  Not so you feel bad and think wow her life is hard.  Not so you think why is she telling us this - does she really think her life is that much harder than ours?  No, the reason is to reveal an underlying truth.  God saves me every day.  In the flesh I am just like everyone else - I make mistakes and there are really hard days.  But every day I wake up to new mercies and for that I am forever grateful. 

Here, in point form are some random facts (the good, the bad, and the ugly) about my life as it is right now:

I get overwhelmed easily.

I cry when I listen to the song "Healer" in the van taking Asher to appts. because I believe it and it reminds me of when we would play it for him on the ipod in Critical Care.

I don't however cry when I sing "Healer" to Calla (along with Kari Jobe) every night when she plays it on her CD player as she falls asleep.

I don't always think it's "fair" that God asks so much of me.  Some days the requirements make me want to kick and scream and through a toddler fit.

I never thought about having children when I was growing up, I had far more "selfish" ambitions then to think about having kids. 

I now don't regret for a moment that I never pursued those ambitions and that I am home with three kids.

My kids - mostly my oldest, drive me CRAZY!  I love them, but honestly, we do not always get along.

It is not unheard of for me to tell my husband that "I quit" whatever the task may be before me.

My husband graciously encourages me even when I say "I quit" over and over!

I feel like I can no longer relate to many people since having Asher.

I have a whole new set of people I can relate to since having Asher and have a whole new set of ministry opportunities since having Asher.

My back hurts at the end of most days (if not sooner than the end of the day!)

I have to ask my kids for forgiveness when I get upset too easily or when lose my temper.

Today....Calla spilt milk, it made Asher cry, then in turn (as it was a really challenging day) made me cry.

I found it difficult to teach my kids not to cry over spilt milk today, when I, their strong mother, was crying like an infant over the very same spilt milk.

And that's as honest as it gets tonight....

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